DISCOVERING WHO I AM!

At 40 plus years, its incredible to start to learn who you are.   When I first started going through my divorce, I was in therapy and she really helped me to get through it all.  I learned that I can not blame myself for the demise of my marriage,  I learned that the issues he has are his to deal with not mine.  I learned that I need to be healthy so that I can move on with my life.  As I travelled through the complexities of becoming a divorced mother, I realized that I was stronger than I originally gave myself credit for.  I discovered that my so call friends where not there and were quite self absorbed.  I discovered that my world was different, but that I would be fine ultimately.  As time went on, I made the decision to discontinue therapy,.  I felt that I had progressed well enough that I could go on solo.
You must understand that I have been going to counseling on and off since I was twenty years old.  I love therapy and see nothing wrong with it.  In fact, I commend people, especially men for taking the initiative to better themselves.
Well I discontinued therapy but I decided to start going again this year after a one year break.  I decided to try a new therapist.  My old therapist was Jewish and about my age.  My current therapist if African American and possibly a little older than I.  It has been interesting to say the least.  She gets me and that counts to me. With her I have managed to have several AHA moments.  Oprah would be so proud!  I've realized that I have a cycle that I tend to follow when it comes to men.  That cycle allows me to hoover between two men.  It allows me to stay in limbo until a final decision is made.  I realize that currently, I am getting ready to repeat the same cycle again, but knowing is half the battle right ?
So, here begins my vision of my future!!!!!  

How the Pilot Went Down

As the saga, yes saga, of my dating world continues I have found myself with an empty stable.  I don't like duplicity, deception or dishonesty so the minute I sense any of those taking place I am quick to bid farewell to the offender.
In the world of dating there seems to be so many people who see nothing wrong with lying, cheating and being deceptive.  For example, I have the pilot who seemed so into me.  He was always clamoring to have a date with me.  He would call me at night, text me during the day, serenade me by Facetime when we aren't together but then he pulls the old disappearing act!  This is what happened and you can tell me if I am being hasty in jumping to my conclusion.  He invited me to visit him, he lives two states away, and I agreed.  Well this would have been our third date so I thought to myself that I would have to sleep over and I was not ready to take things to the next level, so I came up with a valid excuse as to why I could not come.  He tried to figure out some ways to deal with my issue but I made sure the solution couldn't be found.  Well later on that night, we Facetime and he played some songs on his guitar for me and of course I was touched by the sincerity of it all.  As we were talking, he mentioned that his charger was left at work so his phone battery was about to die. We got off the phone and about 30 minutes later he called me from his car.  He said he was charging his phone in the car and was going to get gas so that the next day he doesn't have to get gas when he picked up his daughter in the morning.  Well this seemed odd to me because he had never mentioned that he was picking up his daughter in the morning when I was supposed to come over.  In fact we had discussed places he could take me to see until I left at noon that day.  So me being me, a red flag went up and I said, something isn't right here.  I didn't say anything, but once he hung up to pump his gas I text him to say that I will take a shower and he should call me in ten minutes.  Needless to say, I never heard from him for the rest of the night!  I did call and left a message and I sent him two text.  No response.  The next morning he text me and made it seem as though I didn't contact him to say when I was done with my shower.  I didn't hear again from him til close to ten o'clock at night.  I totally ignored him because at this point I had consulted with my two guy confidants, one a pilot himself and the other a police officer.  Both guys said the same thing! He was with another woman and pulled the oldest trick with his excuse about running out of batteries and not having a charger!  My one friend said, "Oh yeah, he's with a woman for sure, might be his girlfriend!"
So today I told him that I did not feel comfortable continuing since Red Flags went off for me.  He was very apologetic about making me feel the way I do and offered further explanations. Needless to say, he is done in my book.  Once that red flag goes off I can't get it out of my mind!
This all goes back to baggage from my marriage.  I used to ignore the red flags and ultimately, I found out that I should have heeded them. So now, in my world of dating, any red flag detected is heeded! 
My advice to you ladies, if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck? It's a duck! Don't make excuses or try to explain it away, look it in the eye and face it.

Welcome to my world....here's my story that has brought me to this juncture of life.

After 15 years of marriage, a perpetually deteriorating one, I found out that my husband was cheating on me! How did I find this out? Well, as I sat at the family desktop computer, I realized that my darling husband had not signed off of his screen.  I scanned the screen to see what he had been doing and I saw that he was checking work email.  No big deal right? Well....something caught my eye and that something was an email that stated it was his company phone records.  Phone Records? But he told me that those records were only sent to his company and he had no access to them.  Well of course, being the investigator that I naturally am, I immediately began to go through the phone log.  Did I know what I was looking for? Absolutely not, but I knew that I was onto something and my window was here and now!  I quickly decided to look for any reoccurring numbers and there it was!  I looked up the area code and bam! It was a Texas number and in a city that I knew he had taken  several trips to in the past year!  I then decided that if this person was important to him that the number would be found on such days as Valentines day---BINGO, Christmas and New Years Eve----BINGO! At that point I knew that this was serious!  I went as far back as I could find in his email and started finding other Phone Logs.  I found pictures in emails to his best guy friend! One picture was of a group and my ex wrote in the email, the one in red in mine!  I looked at her and I was in disbelief.  She was a plain looking Caucasian woman!  Was he really involved with this when he had me at home!!!
After I spoke to her, yes I said spoke to her, and he and I tried to talk through it all, I decided that I could not go on with my marriage!
Hence the beginning of my journey into the world of dating!